messy room = messy mind

Never before have I ever really did what I should be doing for me, instead of doing what pleases everyone around me.  For once there is a huge part of me that screams for me to protect my heart, search for Him alone, and speak up for myself.  This part of me has always been hidden but I never fully grasped every aspect of it.  Now is the time.  I am a big girl and now is the time to speak for Brianna.  

"I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself, lift yourself up off the floor"

There are times in my life that I think I really have this whole life situation figured out.  There are times when I think, "ahhh...I got this", but then there are these days where I can do nothing else but rely on the people around me for help.  Today and yesterday were prime examples of those kinds of days.  It's officially been 5 years since my father's passing.  Christmas day 1:30ish p.m. It's one of those things that fully hit me around November.  That's the time that my dreams turn to him.  That my thoughts turn to whether or not he is proud of me.  That's the time that I often wonder what it would be like for him to still be here.  That's the time that I most miss his hugs, the little comments that made him listen to me, as his daughter.  Those are the times that I want him to tuck me in and dance with my mom.  There is a reason that I enjoy living at home, because I don't have to fully take care of myself.  I, honestly, don't have it all together.  As much as I would love to have all my stuff together, right now I just don't.  I don't know how to let people in other than my family because it is too hard to be vulnerable before people.  God sees all my tears and holds them in His hand, because He is the one and only that can see me cry out for healing, He is the one that soothes my heart, the only one that calms my mind when I just can't cry anymore and the only one that knows all of me.  

"I will stand in awe of You, because Jesus I am so in love with you"

I just don't think anyone else could handle it all.  It's a mess somedays.  I can't save everyone, but I can save me.  I can't help everyone, but for once I want to help myself.  I can't befriend everyone, but I want to love myself.  I can't solve everything, but I want to have all my stuff together.