consuming fire

it's one of those things that you don't understand until you are in the middle of a worship service and everyone else is falling out in the Spirit and I have nothing. I sat, and sat, and sat, and sat, until I had to remove myself from the situation in order to hear clearly. this was time #2 of removing myself from a worship service where the Spirit is falling in order to deal with myself.

lately, there has been nothing more that I want than to hear His voice and fulfill the call on my life. I just don't know how to get there. I read, pray, fast, but it is all done for selfish reasons and not to sacrifice myself to Him. I read my bible right before going to bed...oh a whopping 5-10 minutes. I fast whenever it is easiest for me....or on Tuesdays or Thursdays because I can escape the house and not have to bring attention to myself. I pray when there is no one else around and not for anyone else because I don't want to be judged or deemed "crazy." all of this is crap. God didn't send down His son because it was convenient, or because no one would notice His sacrifice, or because no one would question what He was doing. He sent His son to die for me when it was HIS ONLY SON, WHEN PEOPLE HAD TURNED AGAINST HIM, WHEN NO ONE UNDERSTOOD HIS PLAN...but He knew.

so many times, I do things to fulfill a void within myself. this void can only be filled with God. this void can only be filled with a RELATIONSHIP with my Father. the desperation is coming from me not giving the time that I need to give and giving God time after I have: played on Facebook, watched tv, talked to my mom, to my friends, went and got coffee, the list could go on. God didn't say "seek me when you have time and after everything of this world and i will give you everything you want" NOOOO! He said "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matt. 6:33.

so now to change the way I do things. to wake up earlier because I need Him before I need tv. to pray for an hour or so because His relationship is better than this world. to listen and wait patiently on His voice and not get frustrated and quit because His voice is water to my soul. to follow Him and His commandments because this world is my temporary home and more than anything, when I die I want to hear "well done, my good and faithful servant." Matt 25:21. to be radical for my call and my purpose because I don't want anyone to be left behind.

much of my time and energy is spent doing and performing to man's standards when all I need and want is for God to be proud of me each and everyday. for Him to continue to heal my heart from my father's death, past relationships, past actions, and sins that have bound me to people that I don't need in my life. I want know that my pastor that calls me "daughter" because he wants to show me love and support like his own child, and to know that no matter how I try to justify it God brought me back to New Orleans, back to Slidell, back to my mother's house for a powerful purpose, and I am just now realizing this. all of this is God's plan, because if it was up to me there would be no way in hades that I would still be in Slidell at age 22 and living in my mother's house.

there is freedom in saying that I am afraid of letting people in or having relationships with them because I am afraid they are going to leave you. there is freedom in stating that this whole Christian process sucks sometimes. there is freedom in saying that I am not over my father's death or sleeping with a worship leader in my pastor's house. there is freedom in saying I don't want to live for God because I don't think I am worthy. there is freedom in telling people how much they speak into my life and how much I appreciate them.

all of it is a process that I need God to help me through.

"if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. " Job 11: 13-15