it's been a rough few weeks. i haven't given God the time He deserved, because literally i pushed Him as far away as possible. i have been living 2 different lives. one resides in the fact that i work for the church, i go to bible studies, i help with church set up, tear down, and worship on Sundays, but that's been a charade. the other lives in the fact that i don't share my faith, i hide my bibles from my mom or anyone, i don't read my bible or pray like i should be, i meet up with boys in the middle of the night and a few nights have gone too far, yeah, that's what i have been doing. it's a fun place to reside in the middle of two different worlds that are catching up with me rapidly.
for about a week now, i have been avoiding the pull on my heart from God. i chose to believe that it could wait, "wait until after Monday night, God, then i'm all Yours" how shiesty is that? i want God to move in my life, i want to hear His voice again, i want our relationship back again, but if i continue to give into this world then what will i have? a whole bunch of nothing, that's what. that's crap. i don't want crap for my life.
i can't live two different lives and believe that i will be successful in both of them.
yeah, that's the revelation for the week. so now my focus is back on God. this will take even more work because i pushed Him away and have hurt His heart. while talking to my Pastor late last night, we were discussing how i think God is mad at me and that i'm not worthy of His relationship, Pastor said, God isn't mad, He's disappointed, but does that mean you are to continue in sin because He is mad, No. your sin is like twisting His heart because you are His daughter, once that visual and fact lives in you, you will change the way you live. i don't want to hurt God's heart. i don't want for my Heavenly Father to be disappointed in me. that's not how i want to live. i want Him. i want to live for Him, but i can't do that with 2 lives.
in isaiah 48, God is speaking to Israel when they are freed and says : "I am the Lord, your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea. Your descendants would have been like the sand, your children like its numberless grains.....there is no peace, says the Lord, for the wicked"
He is the One who guides me, so why do i turn from His commands. He is the One who teaches what is best for me, so why do i think i know any better than the CREATOR OF ME AND THE UNIVERSE. i don't want to live in strife because of my wickedness. i want peace, i want life, i want Him.
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