ramblings of a single girl stuck in a revolving world

somedays i am really ok with how my life is going. other days (like the past two weeks) i have wanted to change every part of it with something new and something that is not like it has ever been.  i think it really hit me today when i realized one of my good friends has found the proverbial "one" for her life. then other days i find it much easier to live only for me and not have to have another person to account or take care of.  but that goes against everything within me that wants to be the mother hen of the group.  

i question why you feel the need to explain yourself to me.  i don't need to know the reasoning behind you hanging out with another girl.  we have nothing.  i don't need to know why you do things, but it brightens my heart to know you care for me.  this time was less awkward, a wider array of topics and a good night all around.  

buying alcohol to make me feel better just made me feel worse and then ended with me crying at the gym to my Pastor as i turned it over.  it ate at me for 4 days.  if this was a year ago that bottle of vodka would still be in the freezer and i would have finished it.  a different time in a different world.  

i can't continue in the place i am in.  my heart is crying for something to change.  my heart is crying for something to break but i can't seem to find the desire to change it.  yeah, i suck. i am waiting for this magical semester to end in hopes that all of these grand things are going to come, but if i don't get myself in gear nothing will happen.  

about 3 things that i am absolutely positive:

1. i can't live here anymore.
2. God is calling me higher.
3. i don't know what to do about either of those 2 facts.